


the life you left behind

by fricklester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Character Death, Death, Fluff, I guess at the beginning but not really, Lung Cancer, M/M, Panic Attacks, Terminal Illnesses, i'm so sorry about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-24 21:05:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2596409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fricklester/pseuds/fricklester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are basically letters Phil never sent to Dan (+one Dan gave to Phil) whilst he was suffering from lung cancer</p>
            </blockquote>





	the life you left behind

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first thing I've written in over two months that I can actually stand so yeah, it is quite @#!*% but oh well.
> 
> This is based around some of tfios (aka just the last line and that one joke).

Dear Dan,

I remember the day you were diagnosed with lung cancer.

I'm not sure who cried more.

I kissed you so hard that day, trying to somehow convert into that one kiss just how much I loved you. They said you had a year at the most.

You turned down chemotherapy and just told me there was no point, that you were going to die anyway.

It's selfish of me but I really wish you'd decided to have chemotherapy, just a few more days with you, that's all I want.

You had such a bad day yesterday, but you got through it.

The panic attack was horrible, you passed out and them started coughing up blood. I called the ambulance and for a few minutes I thought I was going to lose you. I've never cried as much as I did yesterday. I was in the ambulance with you. Horrible, that's the only word I can use to describe it. 

Absolutely @#!*% horrible.

They put you into the ICU. I'm not allowed to see you because I'm not you immediate family. I'm going to propose soon. I know you've always wanted that and I want you to experience that before you die.

I just want to make you happy. With all my love, Phil.

 

-

 

Dear Dan, you were in the ICU for a week, I snuck in and held your hand and whispered reassurances to you, that things were going to be okay. You were so out of it, you just laughed weakly and your head lolled. I wanted to cry, seeing you that way.

I have to be strong though, for you.

There were all these wires and tubes going in and out of you. After you came out you were placed into another unit. That week was spent with blood tests, scans and many appointments to different kinds of doctors.

You were so so brave and I'm so proud of you. I don't know how you manage to keep doing all of this, it's just amazing.

Do you remember when we first met? We had spoken so many times over Skype before but this was finally face to face. As you came off that train it felt like it was just you and me in that station, nobody else. I gave you a bear hug and we kissed, not giving a @#!*% about the onlookers. You looked the happiest I've ever seen you and I long for that back.

You hardly smile anymore, you always look so sad and I don't know what to do. I just want to see that grin and those dimples of yours again.

Please bear, please.

With all my love, Phil.

 

-

 

 

Dear Dan,

I bought the rings today and they are absolutely beautiful. I'm proposing in two weeks, on the anniversary of the day we met.

I'm so excited for it. The cancer has been nice to you over these past few days and they've been very good days.

We went out yesterday, not very far because I know that you're struggling a lot with breathing and I know it's paranoid but I don't want you in a car for too long just in case.

You make jokes about how this is like the fault in our stars, except I'm not dying with cancer.

You've stopped making your youtube videos, saying that it makes you uncomfortable to see yourself with a breathing tube on camera. I think you still look absolutely beautiful but you don't believe me, you say I'm lying but you blush anyway.

The picnic yesterday was wonderful, it finally felt like we were a normal, healthy couple again. You smiled and oh, how your whole face lit up. You radiated light that day, Daniel Howell. You were so happy and nobody will ever compare. I know our days our numbered but I can promise that I will love you until the end of time and just a bit longer.

My heart is entwined with yours and I have fallen so helplessly in love with you. I know this sounds so sappy and you'd probably laugh at me but that's okay because I know it makes you happy really.

With all my love, Phil.

 

-

 

 

Dear Dan,

They said it was quick. That you were asleep and just stopped breathing. They tried to bring you back and that they did everything that they could. You went out without being in pain, that way you wanted to(Actually you wanted to die whilst dancing in my arms and I'm sorry it wasn't that but at least it was painless).

Your parents rang me at 2.53 in the morning, sobbing. I knew, I didn't even need to be told and it broke my heart. I'd been staying at my parents and they came in, wrapping their arms around me whilst I tried to come to terms with what happened. I don't want to believe it, I refuse to. I'm still waiting for you to wake up and call me and say something rude or silly.

Please Dan, please just wake up.

I never got to propose to you.

With all my love, Phil.

 

Dear Dan,

I went to your funeral today. You were dressed just the way you wanted to be and your hair was all fluffy and curly.

I may have just cut a small bit to keep with me, I'm sorry. I ruffled your hair, like I always used to when we were younger.

I cried all through the service, I cried whilst giving my speech. I cried as you were lowered in the ground. I cried as we went home, oh god I cried. I cried for how many memories we had, how many things we still had left to do. I cried for the fact you would never see the rest of the world, that you'd never make another video. I cried for all the missed opportunities and the dreams that wouldn't ever come true. I just cried over everything.

I want you back here, safe and in my arms. I know it's selfish but I need you.

I found the letter you left me, by the way. I promise I won't open it yet.

With all my love, Phil.

 

 

-

 

Dear Phil, I don't know where to begin, there's so much I have to say and I have so little energy. I love you, I love you more than anything else in this universe and I love you with all my heart and it kills me inside to know that I'm leaving you here, alone.

The cancer has been getting worse recently, you and I both know that. I've had a talk to the doctors and it was confirmed I had a brain tumour as well. I'm not telling you, I don't think I'll be able to handle it.

I'm going to miss you so much but please, Phil for the love of god, move on.

There are so many people out there who will show you all these new opportunities and wonderful things and whilst none of them will love you the way I do, it's close enough.

I just want to know that you're happy, that you're living life to its best and that you aren't sulking about and falling into depression.

You're a @#!*% wonderful person.

You deserve the best and I'm sorry our time was cut short, that things didn't go as they were supposed to.

Just know that I love you, I love you more than anything and anyone.

Jesus @#!*% Christ, this is so hard to write.

My hand is getting tired and my breathing is @#!*% so I have to end it here.

I'm sorry.

Philip Michael Lester, I know you were going to propose so here it is.

Will you marry me?

 

_**"I will, Daniel James Howell. I will."** _

**Author's Note:**

> also this is dedicated to jason,love you buddy


End file.
